brett mx (brettmx) wrote,
brett mx

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i took some time tonite to walk through the blacklist when i was all alone. i seriously stared at the walls for twenty minutes. i could still see everything that has gone on in that very room. kids walking around in circles trying to create thier first circle pit. the merchandise set up in the back of the room, and kids eagerly waiting to sign a mailing list or grab a free sticker. the punk rock kids forced to stand outside and smoke, because thier better judgment prevented them from making friends with the younger kids. the ataris. that one fat kid with the shaved head that would always swing from the sprinklers on the ceiling. james dahle trying to fight dave, because we covered a bad religion song. afi. woodly bog's cd release party. signing my first autograph. kenneth in the broccoli suit. throwaway generation. nickle short. mike the janitor. public disorder. the borgo pass. overlooked. flocked cows. unlawful skalars. downplay. woodly bog........

i have never been flooded with more nostalgia in my entire life. and of all nites, tonite was my "farewell show". i'm leaving all of this. its so sad to say, but i feel like i left it a long time ago. or maybe it left me. but standing there, in an empty room, with my eyes closed tight. i could hear every concert, and smell ever cigarette. i miss that so much. i never thought that i would miss being called a sell out. or having every band you play a show with make fun of you to the crowd. its those things that made me love to play in a band with my best friends. and it made me play a lot harder. i cant help but think about what it will be like in two years, when i get home. i wont know any bands, and they wont know me. the venues will change. the styles will change. the bands will change. everything will be so different. but the feeling i get when i watch four local bands play, will never change. i've been going to shows for seven years and the feeling i get everytime i see a band play is the same as the first.

when i leave this here next week, i will be leaving so much more than my friends and my family. i'll be leaving everything i've ever known. every person i have ever met in my entire life will be left behind. the only thing that i will take with me that i know now is my testimony. and that is what i expect to carry me for the next two years. i know that my Heavenly Father lives, because when i think about all that i am leaving and think about why i can do it so easily, i know i couldn't possibly be doing it alone. i'm thankful for my friends, and for the lifestyle that i grew up with. it has made me who i am now.

i have one week left, i need to make it count. this time next week and i will have new friends, a new bed, all new faces, new town. its funny that i'll finally be moving to provo, when provo is the last place that i want to be.

i love all of you more than you realize. honestly...

love always
brett murdock
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